The Most Awesome Thing Ever

Today, I went to Morrisons with my mother, to do the weekly shop and whatnot. I heard a baby go “Tanzan!”, with less clarity, but you could sort of distinctly hear it. I was in awe.

Anyway, the most awesome thing ever was that, when me and Mom went to the till to pay for all our goodies, there was this couple near the other till.

Now, I’m going to have to tell this in classic story format.

[Enter Frazz with his story teller voice.]

There was a woman, with her little son in a trolley, casually looking at the fruit juices, thinking that she had all the time in the world. But no. She thought wrong. Her husband has just knabbed a till, claiming it by putting a handful of gum and a single apple on the conveyor. The faily elderly couple who had just moved towards that same till looked appalled. The husband waited a not even a few seconds, but his wife was taking too long. He yelled to her, in a sarcastic and sardonic way: “Helloooo!”, and clapped his hands. The wife’s face? Oh, the most awesome thing ever. She looked at her husband with the classic “Oh no you di’int!” face, then pushed her trolley over, saying quite loudly as she did so “It’s quite hard to raise a child YOU KNOW.” The husband, realising just what exactly he had done, said, “Look, I’m sorry, alright?” in hushed tones, trying to keep his wife’s tantrum to a minimum. “You should be!” said the woman part of the elderly couple nearby, as she watched the scene unfold. The wife stalked off towards the vegetables, in a huff that would have made Posh Spice proud. Watching her go, regret etched into his face, the husband said to his son “Where’s Mummy gone, eh?” as he reached into his pocket for his phone, failing to notice the red-headed girl who was quietly laughing her head off, unpacking her trolley onto the conveyor next to his. The husband dialled in a number, and waited. No answer. He dialled once more, again saying to the little boy “Where’s Mummy, eh? Where’s Mummy?!” The phone was answered, but the husband only managed a “I’m sor-”, before the wife hung up. He preceded to unpack the trolley, phone still in hand, eyes still fixed towards the fruit and veg section. He called again. This time, there was an answer that lasted longer than 2 seconds. Although he spoke very quietly, you could hear what he said (if you listened hard enough, which I did, naturally.) “Look, I’m sorry, but I’m having a hard time packing here, so just come back, please?” You could tell he was sorry. The husband hung up the phone, and unpacked, this time with a slight renewed vigour. Soon enough, the wife returned, cold and stony, not speaking to her foolish other half. They paid for their groceries, and continued towards the door, again not noticing the red-headed woman and her red-headed daughter following closely behind, stifling their giggles. As the happy couple strode off into the distance, you could just see the wife’s mouth form the words “You giant ass.”

That, my friends, is the most awesome thing ever. Okay, it’s not funny when it’s happening to you, but I’m single, so I don’t have to worry!

It turns out the neighbours DO have a son, but he’s a chav, and about my brother’s age. The child-like giggles I heard yesterday were not made by him (maybe), but by his 4-year-old sister, who’s quite cute. On seeing the boy, my imaginative mother said “Ooh, maybe Jason can make some new friends.” Har-har.

That’s my day so far…

Toodles.

Ha, just spoke to my Mom on Skype, even though she’s downstairs =P

Woo!

3 comments May 3, 2008